"sideways"

I don't understand. I feel like hanging upside down, letting the blood flow, letting the pressure seep to my mind. I want to let go now, Im losing my grip anyway whats the difference. I laid on the cold bench today and watched the people walk by, sideways. It was an interesting change for a minute, they seemed to be floating, bobbing up and down like the waves, but again I saw it all looked the same. I don't think Im depressed...tired..no...there's no room for that now.
Maybe indifferent. Like the butterfly I saw laying in the gutter amongst raw leaves and tumbling trash. I thought it was resting, its wings still fluttered slowly but that wasn't it. That was the wind. It was dead...no I don't think so. I noticed it walking on the curb. No it wasn't dead, I don't know why I would've looked down if it were. I'm sure it was waiting. Death prolly. A naive little kid must have caught it because it was so pretty. He must have rubbed its wings. It was so pretty, it must have known. I'm sure it lied there watching the cars roll past until they only flickered.
But Im not dying. Dying is not something I'll wait around for. It's too quiet. No, I can still hear myself, I know I'm waiting for something else. Let me hang upside down for now, alone. I promise I'll come back, bright as a butterfly.